"You're Going The Wrong Way!" Part 1

Who could forget that scene from the classic Steve Martin/ John Candy film Planes,Trains, and Automobiles? Driving on the wrong side of the freeway having someone yell at him from the correct side, John Candy's response is, "How the hell does he know where we're going?" Hilarious. The first time that I saw that scene, I laughed until my sides hurt. It is probably my favorite John Candy movie moment. Now, as an adult, I am thankful that there are not people that stupid on the highways. But, the drivers out there are not all that much better.

For the last couple of months, I have been writing this article in my head while driving to and from work. Some might call that reckless but, what the hell do you think about when you are driving? Basically, I have noticed some things that I think should be part of Driver's Education, that apparently no one freaking knows anymore. So sit back, relax, and lets examine together some of the ridiculous shit I have observed on I-40.

1. Bitchus Cellfonyous Cutmethehelloffium - This species of mouth breathing mammal exists for the sole purpose of cutting people off who are going faster than her. Almost 99% of the time she does so because she didn't notice the other driver as she is too busy yelling into her cellphone. Probably yelling at her "baby daddy." I noticed one the other day. As I was moving along in the center lane, doing slightly more than the posted speed limit (cause that's how I roll). I was probably doing around five over when suddenly the car in the right lane swerved into my lane and nearly took one in the rear bumper from me. The lesson here is, "Get off the damn phone and drive!" See also: Swamp Donkey

2. Thinksous Iamtryingtoracius - Surprise, it is another mouth breather! I use my cruise control pretty often. Mostly because my car rides so smoothly that I have looked down in the past and been going way too freaking fast. It is important that you understand that I use cruise control, so you will note that my speed remains constant. There is a certain breed of dumbass out there that thinks, "Hey that guy is going faster than me, he must want to race." So, of course, he speeds up. Now he is going faster than I was going the whole time I was gaining on him. If that were the speed he wanted to go, why was he not going at that speed? This whole nasty situation could have been avoided. It is not a hard concept folks. "You are not as cool nor as important as you think you are. This is not NASCAR, dummy!" See also: Window Licker

3. Drivesrightuponmyasswhenbothoftheotherlanesareemptious - Wow, that name is a mouthful. This one is not even worth the effort to type out a paragraph about how much I hate him/her. Just pass me, asshole! See also: Numbnuts

There are, of course, several more species of stupid creatures on our highways and byways. I will probably write about more at a later date. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments section.  I bet Celine is going leave something about NC drivers not using their turn signals (I use mine).  I am willing to acknowledge that this species of driver exists if, and only if, she is willing to acknowledge that people from NJ use a turn signal to mean "I am moving into the other lane whether you like it or not so you better not be there in 3... 2... 1... NOW!"