Shit Stupid People Ask Me 2/1/2012

Five By Five is back, bitches.  And now it is back with a whole new column that no one will give a shit about.  It is a random question that I have been asked recently but could not answer at the moment.  So, I thought about it, took some notes, and then wrote an answer for your entertainment.  The working title for this occasional column is Shit Stupid People Ask Me.  Don’t like it?  I don’t care.

"I have a coworker who finds a way to bring up the fact she lived through Hurricane Katrina almost every single day. There will be a conversation she's not involved in where Louisiana is briefly mentioned and she will intercede with a story about New Orleans or Katrina. Am I a jerk for being sick of hearing about it and wanting to strangle her? Or does living through something like that give her the right to talk about it all the time?"

It depends on what she had to live through. Personally, if I were someone who had to be airlifted from a rooftop during the floods and the helicopter carried me away just before the building collapsed, I would walk around with a sandwich board over my head that read "I WAS SOMEONE WHO HAD TO BE AIRLIFTED FROM A ROOFTOP DURING KATRINA AND THE HELICOPTER CARRIED ME AWAY JUST BEFORE MY BUILDING COLLAPSED." I'd Giuliani that shit until your ears bled. Shit man, I had to clean a mess up a week ago and I still won't shut the fuck up about it. 

But if this was just some random lady who fled town and then came back to a relatively functional apartment when all was said and done, then fuck her. You have to EARN your tragedy bravado. You better have had to clean up a pile of rubble and dead bodies before you go injecting Katrina into every conversation you have. "These bagels aren't very spicy! NOT LIKE THE WAY THEY MAKE 'EM DOWN IN OL' KATRINA COUNTRY HOOO WEEE LEMMETELLYABOY."

By the way, speaking of obnoxious Louisianans, I'd like to issue a stern FUCK YOU to all GEAUX TIGERS and GEAUX SAINTS cheers on the internet. Enough. I get it. You're from Louisiana and you've got your own fancy culture with jazzy funerals and crawfish heads and all that shit. There's no need to get all fucking obnoxious about it. I've had just about enough of Proud Cajun Folk. Most of you people don't even wear shoes. GO FUCK YEAUXSELF.

My Generation Has Given Nothing To Society

Well, "nothing," is not really accurate.  I can come up with a few things that my generation has contributed to the world.  None of which have left the world a better place.  I believe that the opposite is true.  We are the Jimmy Carter of generations.

 1. Beavis and Butthead

Obviously, this is my generation's crowning achievement.  Leave it to Music Television (a network that during my lifetime did has done everything in its power to destroy music) to make a show about dumb asses who sit around and do nothing but watch their channel.  

Despite the pure stupidity of it all, I still like it.  I mean, it is thirty minutes of adolescent dick and fart jokes, what is there not to enjoy?   I even started recording the new season this week.  But that is not the point.  The point is: we are all just a little bit dumber just for knowing about this show, much less for having watched it.   

This week, they made fun of the Twilight  movies in a way I had not thought of, so they really made me proud.  Which brings me to the next totally worthless contribution to society that my generation has made:

 2. Twilight

Tubedaze:
"Twilight was the worst vampire movie ever made.  They should not even be called, 'vampires.'  The should be called 'Extremely Iron Deficient Superheroes That Hiss Like Vampires When They Are Agitated.'  It was completely insulting, so insulting that I actually took it personally.  This was made with the sole purpose of pissing me off.  I mean, they are not even identifiable as vampires.  They replaced the fangs, shape-shifting, and lack of reflection with what?  Glitter skin.  The dude is all like "this is the skin of a killer."  Yeah right, because nothing says 'killer' like freaking glitter."

The rant goes on past this point but, I think you may get the point.  And before someone says "you just need to read the books,"  let me tell you a secret.  I have read the first two books.  So, unless your argument is "you just need to read the third book" then don't bother.  Besides, even if it becomes the most awesome story ever written after the second book, I would feel cheated of the few hours of my life that I will never get back that I wasted reading this.

Understand, I am not saying that you should not like it. I like stupid shit too.  I am a Green Lantern fiend.  I am jonesing for it the way Whitney Houston is dying for that next royalty check to show up so she and Bobby can make themselves even more disgustingly retarded.  I am saying that I want you to like it.  I want you to be happy with your glitter vampires but, I cannot.  I have tried.  And I found myself even more underwhelmed than I had previously expected to be.

3. Pictures Of Cats On The Internet 
 
Yes, I too find this photo of John Scalzi's cat, Ghlaghghee, with bacon taped to his side to be hilarious.  Again, that is not the point.  The point is, the internet, instead of being a useful tool for the distribution of information to the huddled masses, has instead become a repository for photos and video from the Crazy Cat Ladies of the world.  It does not matter that this is cute or funny or whatever.  What matters is that this has actually made us a little more stupid than we were before.  


That is a cool picture though, right?

 4. Text Speak, Social Networks, and Smart-phones

Text messaging has become even more popular recently because of two reasons.  

 First, data plans on cellphones have become far cheaper than they once were. And with the advent of the smartphone, more and more of us have tiny computers in our pockets that literally connects to the entirety of the internet.  That is unless you are an Apple Zombie, and then you are only connected to the parts of cyberspace that do not rely on Flash.  However, that is a rant for another day. 

Second, people today are in too big of a hurry.  Text messaging is a wonderful thing for these individuals because email is obviously too slow and who wants to bother dialing someone when you can just ask: "R U  GTG 2NITE?"  I mean, come on, it takes way too long to type out "Are you going to go tonight?"

This overwhelming need to be constantly connected to the internet is not what I have a massive problem with.  I do find it mildly disturbing but I also have a smart-phone sitting on my desk in front of me at this very moment.  What really bothers me is that in every class I attended following my time in the military, my instructors made it very clear that turning in assignments that were written in "text speak" would not be tolerated.  I was amazed to say the least.  The fact that every single one of them said this showed me that this was obviously happening a lot.  How stupid do you have to be to do that, to turn in a paper written in that crazy language?  

I am not even going to begin to express my concern for idiots who text while driving.  I know someone who swears he is perfectly safe while texting and riding his motorcycle.  Terrifying.  

The fact is, I believe these things are making us lazier while simultaneously lowering our collective IQ's.  The late Greg Giraldo said he thought these things would make us one day evolve into nothing but giant fat asses with fingers, and the only people who will actually work will be the illegal immigrants that we will have to hire to flip us over and wipe our lazy fat asses.  And there will still be people complaining, "They are taking are jobs!"

"You're Going The Wrong Way!" Part 1

Who could forget that scene from the classic Steve Martin/ John Candy film Planes,Trains, and Automobiles? Driving on the wrong side of the freeway having someone yell at him from the correct side, John Candy's response is, "How the hell does he know where we're going?" Hilarious. The first time that I saw that scene, I laughed until my sides hurt. It is probably my favorite John Candy movie moment. Now, as an adult, I am thankful that there are not people that stupid on the highways. But, the drivers out there are not all that much better.

For the last couple of months, I have been writing this article in my head while driving to and from work. Some might call that reckless but, what the hell do you think about when you are driving? Basically, I have noticed some things that I think should be part of Driver's Education, that apparently no one freaking knows anymore. So sit back, relax, and lets examine together some of the ridiculous shit I have observed on I-40.

1. Bitchus Cellfonyous Cutmethehelloffium - This species of mouth breathing mammal exists for the sole purpose of cutting people off who are going faster than her. Almost 99% of the time she does so because she didn't notice the other driver as she is too busy yelling into her cellphone. Probably yelling at her "baby daddy." I noticed one the other day. As I was moving along in the center lane, doing slightly more than the posted speed limit (cause that's how I roll). I was probably doing around five over when suddenly the car in the right lane swerved into my lane and nearly took one in the rear bumper from me. The lesson here is, "Get off the damn phone and drive!" See also: Swamp Donkey

2. Thinksous Iamtryingtoracius - Surprise, it is another mouth breather! I use my cruise control pretty often. Mostly because my car rides so smoothly that I have looked down in the past and been going way too freaking fast. It is important that you understand that I use cruise control, so you will note that my speed remains constant. There is a certain breed of dumbass out there that thinks, "Hey that guy is going faster than me, he must want to race." So, of course, he speeds up. Now he is going faster than I was going the whole time I was gaining on him. If that were the speed he wanted to go, why was he not going at that speed? This whole nasty situation could have been avoided. It is not a hard concept folks. "You are not as cool nor as important as you think you are. This is not NASCAR, dummy!" See also: Window Licker

3. Drivesrightuponmyasswhenbothoftheotherlanesareemptious - Wow, that name is a mouthful. This one is not even worth the effort to type out a paragraph about how much I hate him/her. Just pass me, asshole! See also: Numbnuts

There are, of course, several more species of stupid creatures on our highways and byways. I will probably write about more at a later date. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments section.  I bet Celine is going leave something about NC drivers not using their turn signals (I use mine).  I am willing to acknowledge that this species of driver exists if, and only if, she is willing to acknowledge that people from NJ use a turn signal to mean "I am moving into the other lane whether you like it or not so you better not be there in 3... 2... 1... NOW!"

Rent-a-cops

I want to say, I am grateful to police officers. They serve and put their lives on the line for us everyday. What I don't like is cops, rent-a-cops, and military police that think their badge gives them the same title as king of the earth.

Today I had to take my daughter to the navy hospital to pick up her new wheelchair and have some adjustments done on her old wheelchair. I very rarely use my handicap parking hanger because I have the ability to walk across a parking lot. Today though I realized I would be handling two wheelchairs and a six year old by myself and thought I would need the extra space between cars in order to do so. As I was returning to my van there was a rent-a-cop/military cop standing in front of my van scraping my stickers off and issuing me a ticket. When I finally maneuvered both of the wheelchairs over to him to ask him why he was giving me a ticket he told me because I was fraudulently parking in a handicapped spot. The sign clearly states (in small letters) lift. Call me silly, but the sign says, "handicapped parking" and under that, it says lift. I assumed that meant the spot was larger in case you have a lift. Guess who was wrong....me. Because I don't have a lift on my van he decided to give me a ticket. Now one thing you should know. The navy DR's offered to give me a referral to get my van fitted with a $12,000 lift. I thought that was a waste of money and instead I would gradually break down my spine by lifting the wheelchair on my own and save the navy the money. I still however have to get in between cars and "lift" that chair into my van and still need the same space that the lift would require. So as you can imagine I then told the "cop" he could shove his ticket and use his time helping a lady "lift" these fucking chairs into her car instead. He ignored me and put my ticket under my wipers.

So to all you cops on a power trip out there, sleep well at night, knowing one day you will need someone to cut you a little slack or one day your wife might hope someone cuts her a little slack and they will laugh in your stupid face!!! You are the reason people hate police.

These Are Not The Droids You Are Looking For

Amazon, being the devils that they are, sent me another recommendation.

will... I will resist!!!

This is not the purchase I am looking for....

Arrghh, I've bought the damn films on VHS, on VHS again when they were digitally remastered, on DVD in (Lord forgive me) digitally enhanced versions....

Must not buy the same films again, must not......

George Lucas does not need my money.....

I should take the money and donate it to a worthy cause, not spend it on shiny, shiny, HD goodness.....

That's it!

I'm now humming the cantina song in my head…

I can't hear you.....

help me

Good Morning

First I would like to say, I am thrilled that a new blog was created and that I was once again invited to share my emotions publicly.

Second I would like to say, the alternator went out in our car this morning so I am in a fanfuckingtabulous mood.

Neither of these are the reason for my post though. I have had a "gripe" for sometime now and I feel the need to share.

I love having social networks for me to keep up with all my friends. I am nosey. Anyone who knows me will tell you this is a fact. Social networks give me the opportunity to be nosey without having to speak to people who annoy me. What I don't "get" is why on any given day I can wake up and the first five posts of the days are couples announcing their love for their spouse. Guess what, if you married that person I already assume your undying love for them is securely in place. I don't need to read it five times a week. I have never woke up and thought, I wonder if my husband loves me because he never announces it on (facebook, myspace, google plus). Nor have I ever thought, I bet my husband wonders if I care about him, I better go purchase a billboard and tell everyone in the world so he understands my love. Guess what, I don't give a shit who knows if I do or don't love my husband so I am not going to post if for the world to see. If I see you posting your love or how wonderful your spouse is, I assume, you are doing it to make yourself feel better for the shitty relationship you are in and you want people to assume its good. This is also true for, awesome kids posts. Your kids are not awesome. They are brats and I don't give a shit. Here is a thought, lets just say for shits sake, everyone from this day forward can assume that if you are in a relationship, you are in love, and your spouse is awesome. Problem solved, quit posting it. If you find this is no longer the case, there is a solution, divorce. Its like the abortion for marriage.